emily_marie's Journal

4:31am: I hate complainers. I have no idea what makes people think that people want to hear all of their complaints and negative feelings. It is amazing the power of negative energy. For instance at work if every 8 tables says "everything is great!" and then i have one table who just everything is awful! the steaks are too rare the potatos aren't good this is just ridiculous blah blah blah it messes up the kitchen, it makes our manager tense up and it throws me off. Nevermind if every other table is doing fine. It's so funny because until I went to college I never became so conscious of complainers. Now i'm so aware of it and i get so annoyed. It's like when you ask a friendly "how are you" and someone is like "blah i'm tired and hungry and i don't feel well and i've been really constipated". Why can't we all just be positive? it's amazing what a positive outlook can do.

6:20am: My grandmother went onto the t in boston... she is 80 years old... not one person got up to give her a seat. When the train jerked she fell back on her bum... she wasn't hurt or anything in her words she was "just embrarrssed". What has our world come to? How can an 80 year old woman get on a train and not have like 5 people get up offer their seat. This world is so messed up.
In other news Liz came home! It was awesome. I hate that she is so far away :(
I have decided this summer that I am going to do a summer camp in California.

8:38am: So tomorrow I am 21. I cannot believe it. Seeing as I have been arrested TWICE for underage drinking this is KIND of a big deal. I cannot wait to go to NH and laugh in the face of goffstown police!! ;)
but really, it's something i keep hearing my friends or really anyone our age repeating, but when did we get so old? I remember 21 seeming like it was light years away. Even last year when my mom would say "21 isn't that far off em, just hold off until then" and it seemed nearly impossible bc 21 was so far away. And now it's tomorrow. I remember lying about being 16 to people and suddenly 16 came and went, 18 went and now i'm 21?
Oh well, thank god i'm immature.. it's like a fountain of youth!

7:51am: i'm brunette!! i feel like a completely different person it's wonderful!
bridgewater is going really well.. i am enjoying my classes and such.
i need to get back to the gym.. i haven't been since like a week before classes began and i don't feel good.
i don't wish i was at st a's but i do miss living in a dorm. living at home is just NOT the same lol.

10:11pm: I want to run away to the other side of the country with like my 4 best friends who make me feel good about myself and forget everything back here in MA. All the drama, the boys, the bad friends. It's not worth the tears anymore. Why does the past have to be such a weight?

9:33am: Warped tour was a blast. I met up with a friend who I had an awful falling out with this year. It wasn't the same as when we were friends but it was still great none the less. It was funny because I had recently been thinking of her anyways and how I missed her and of funny stories with her.
I have been a mess lately. Eating everything and anything in sight. I have barely gotten to the gym. I've been sleeping a ton.
I am getting more and more scared of this upcoming school year. I don't know the campus at all. When i went for the orientation there were NO signs directing me and I got lost and almost began to cry and I was so confused and I had an officer for directions and he was NOT helpful. I can just picture the entire year being like that. It's a comfort at the end of the day I can come home though, and I have alteast 2 good friends commuting to other colleges also.
My mom and I had all these plans to redecorate my room this summer. We have even bought the bedding/furniture and yet we haven't because we can't find time. Even though i feel like I do nothing at all.
And I'm over boys who only call me past 11pm to hang out.

8:33pm: So at the age of 20 i experienced my first ever grounding. The two other times I did something bad enough for a grounding I was away at college.
As Danielle put it "us catholic girls are just a little slower"

3:26pm: Work is killing me.
I am so tired physically and emotionally.
I finally have time off (this is my second day off) and i still feel like I cannot get back to my regular self.
I am too tired to go to the gym at the end of my days to go to the gym, but i'm still losing weight bc i spend the entire day on my feet and don't like the food at work.

10:04am: ( My favorite memories of Sophomore Year )

10:46pm: I hate that I know I am better than someone, but simply the fact that they aren't showing the interest in me kills me and makes me want them so much more than i ever should.
why does this always happen to me

7:45pm: Work is so bizarre
long of the short of it the bartender took it upon himself to tell some of the members (who are as old as my father) that i surprisingly (the shirts are baggy and show no figure) have big boobs! so i'm called over the bar and they are like "so we heard a rumor..." it was the most uncomfortable horrifying moment of my LIFE.
and then when i turned beat red and walked away i was told "sorry... you need thicker skin"
ya i need thicker skin... whatever.

but there are also some really nice people too. Today there was a group of about 8 older men that all told me they loved the name Emily and my freckles and then each one of them the rest of the time began every sentence to me with "emily" and ended with "thanks emily!!"
i just need to remind myself that it is just a summer job and i am getting paid well

8:54am: I like Panic! at the disco's new song "that green gentleman"... it's so good!
and there was just a live performance of it on the tv and i can't help but be reminded of the fact that i serioiusly cannot picture myself marrying anyone but a musician. I'm not sure why but it is the only type of person I can actually picture myself with. Not necessarily like a professional traveling band man but idk just a musician. Just as much as I don't want to be working in a cubicle in an office I cannot imagine spending my life with a man who wants that either.
Annie and I always say we will both marry musicians, who are in a band together. And we will raise families together on tour and it will be magical <3 as unlikely as that is how awesome would it be :)

In other news I need a babysitting job. I miss the children from nh so badly! I came home to the saddest thing ever. I went for a walk and ran into the family I used to babysit for. This is a family with a daughter Rowena who I began to babysit when she was 6, then the mother had another daughter, Emer, and I babysat for the two of them. Anyways I was walking and I saw the mother and Emer who is now 6 years old. The same age her sister was when i began to babysit for them and the mother was not even pregnant yet it was so weird. But even more weird.. Rowena is not babysitting! she is 13, which is the age I was when i began to babysit them. I seriously wanted to cry I feel so old! how does that happen?! The other family now has a 5 and a 12 year old so even though the mother told me she would call me some night it's still weird. I want to stop growing up.

9:37am: so far this summer is unlike any other
the nights are filled with just hanging out with the girls rather than partying
it's nice

i read the book skinny bitch and i HIGHLY recommend it to all girls. i am pretty sure my diet will never be the same.
it's like a "he's just not that into you" but for food. so good.
I have gone vegetarian and i am gradually going to change my whole diet. beginning sunday i am giving up coffee... which is terrifying. i will probably give up junk food that week too, since i don't eat much junk food anyways besides when i am bored/sad.
just giving up meat and being more conscious of other things i have lost 2 lbs... before going into senior year i weighed 120... and then since senior year i feel like i have been struggling to remain at 125 and for the first time in a LONG time i am remaining at 122... there is a god!

3:41pm: Life is so much easier with true friends by your side.

8:59am: nothing else to do
001. What is Your Name? Emily
002. How old are you? 20
003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? idk
004. Where are you right at this moment? home
005. Choose 5 words to describe yourself... Honest, independent, loyal, impulsive fun
006. Do you smoke? no
007. Do you drink? yes
008. Do you swear? no
009. Do you have low self-esteem? no
010. Do you get online a lot? yes
011. Do you like taking pictures? yes
012. Do you like to have your picture taken? if my friends are in it
013. Would you ever date someone 5-10 yrs younger than you? no
014. Would you ever date someone 5-10 yrs older than you? yes
015. Do you think you're weird or normal? i'd like to say normal
016. What do you like least about your body? stomach and thighs
017. What do you like most about your body? i have small wrists :)
018. Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? yes
019. Do you prefer to hang out with one friend or a group of friends? group
020. Who knows the most about you? danielle
021. Who do you trust the most with your secrets? danielle
022. Name one person whose arms you feel safe in. lol any of my friends ;)
Have you ever?
023. Been in love? no
024. Had your heart broken? not really
025. Spun until you were so dizzy you couldn't walk? yes
026. Screamed so much you lost your voice? no
027. Done something extremely unexpected? yes
028. Been caught doing you weren't supposed to be doing? yes
029. Been called a tease? sure
What what what?
030. What is your biggest fear? being completely dependent on someone
031. What was your scariest dream? my mom killed someone
032. What was your best dream? i don't know
033. What is your greatest strength? optimistic
034. Do you have any bad habits? getting too drunk ha
035. Do you think life has been good to you so far? yes
036. Do you have any piercings? ears and belly button... and one i recently removed ;)
037. What does your underwear look like? bright colored
Which do you prefer?
038. Jeans or dress? depends on my mood
039. Pizza or pasta? pasta... carbs are my downfall
040. Rich or happy? happy
041. Shower or bath? i love a good bath
042. Family or friends? that's a tough one
043. Kiss or hug? hug
044. Bright or dark room? bright
045. Chocolate or vanilla? chocoalte
046. Laugh out loud or chuckle quietly? laugh out loud
047. Foreign movies....dubbed or subtitled? subtitled
Lastly?
048. Last furry thing you touched? delilah
049. Song you listened to? the new deathcab song
050. Last person you talked to on the phone today? my mom
051. Watched on TV? i'm watching the ellen degeneres show
052. Compliment you received? my mom told me i'm becoming so responsible
More random thoughts...
053. What are your first thoughts waking up? what time is it
054. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? red!
055. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? hair... but if i can't tell about a guy i look at their shoes
056. Are you too shy to ask someone out? not too shy i just think it's the guys job
057. Most memorable experience with a friend? soo many... but one time my friends and i (completely sober) were listening to music and began to have a dance party around the kitchen table... it was like something out of a movie
058. Do you believe in soulmates? it's a nice idea
059. Do you think that it's possible your heart doesn't give you a choice with whom it falls in love? ya
060. What is something about you that people would be surprised to know? my new goal in life is to learn to knit
061. What is one thing you've learned about yourself in the last year or so? i am way more impulsive than i thought

8:53pm: The newest song to describe my life is..
"Wedding Day" by Rosie Thomas.
just look up the lyrics.

10:58pm: That's that.. I am officially done with Saint Anselm College.
It's a weird feeling.
I was driving through campus the other day and began to feel sad and I thought to myself "am I regretting this decision?" and I quickly told myself no because I knew that wasn't it.
Then I realized what it was... I wanted so badly to love Saint A's. I came into the school with the highest of hopes. I gave it a chance again and again. I knew the moment though when my parents drove away it wasn't for me. I don't know why up to that moment I really thought it was the school that I was meant to attend.
I think everyone thinks that. No one goes to college with hopes of disliking the school. But there was something different about me I feel, I can't put my finger on it but my hopes were honestly so high, and they immediately crashed.
The two years I went there changed me in more ways than I can say. It is unbelievable when I think about it all.. it honestly is.
The amount of stuff that happened over a 2 period time some people may not experience in their entire lives.
I honestly believe everything happens for a reason. I keep repeating to myself "don't look back in anger" but it's so hard.
Saint Anselm was ruining me. It was killing my spirit. I felt so trapped there. I remember one moment walking alone at night, looking up at the stars, and suddenly I realized how far away I was from the ocean and so many of the ones I love the most. And I felt like I could just fall down and cry. I know next year will be difficult living at home but I honestly believe in my heart it is what is right for me. It is the not the same feeling I had going into Saint Anselm. This one is much more "I will get the degree I need and start my life after that." Living at home I don't have the highest hopes of making lifetime friends there, I already have those.
I guess time will tell.

1:20pm: being home this weekend has just proved to me i am 100% making the right decision.

1:00pm: I have the most amazing best friends a girl could ask for.
I have an amazing family.

i just need to keep reminding myself of those two things whenever everything else seems to be getting so tough and hard to deal with.

2:28pm: hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahaha
haha
ha
ha
ha
ahaaahahaha
ha
ha
ahahahaha

5:05pm: how can it be august already?

8:04am: "but my friends are fucking awesome
and we'll keep doing our best
even though our lives are a mess"

that is so true currently. and i love my friends. "everything is so much easier with true friends by your side" that is what shannon said to me. and it's so true. having a group of friends that i really feel like will always be there for me.. it just idk. like when i think of things and feel like i'm going to cry i just remember that it's all just little things, and overall i am very lucky. i really don't have any reasons to cry. and anyone making me cry does not deserve to be in my life.
tomorrow i am going to the cape to see lauren. thursday idk what i'm doing.. .and friday my cousin sara is coming to plymouth! and friday night is meg's play.. and sunday is a family reunion type thing. this week should prove to be... interesting :)

12:13pm: I never realized how much of a hopeless romantic I am. I realized it yesterday while I was at work, and I was having a conversation and I just am a hopeless romantic. I am watching "Say Anything" and I just saw the scene with him standing outside her house with the stereo.. and things like that never happen... but all I can think is how I want that to happen. How I want a boy who would do that for me. I never get my hopes up, but in the back of my mind I always find myself thinking of those random acts of romance. How I have the slightest hope for them. But in the end it never happens, and boys aren't like boys are in the movies. how sad :(

1:52am: It's amazing to me that literally 24 hours ago I could not wait to get back to school. Now when I think about leaving my stomach feels sick. It's not that I want to stay in Plymouth, I just don't want to leave these friends. They are all so amazing. Going away to college, and this summer, and all that we have each gone through individually really allowed us to see who our true friends were. These are the girls that I believe will be my bridesmaids if I ever get married. They are the ones I can sit with for hours doing nothing and yet have the best time. That make me laugh so hard each time i'm with them that I constantly say "I haven't laughed this hard in so long" but the truth is last time I was with them I laughed just as hard. These are the girls who have seen me through my adololescence. Who knew me back when I thought Marilyn Manson and Korn were awesome. Who went through high school days, and survived Sacred Heart with me. Who through a year of insane ups and downs I know I can still call in the middle of the night and anyone of them would come to help me. These are my friends. ( The summer is all in bloom )

9:34pm: This has been a ridiculous year. Filled with ups and down, sad times and good times, lots of laughs and almost as many tears. There were many times this year that I doubted myself, doubted whether i belonged at this school, doubted those around me. As the school year finally comes to an end and I look back I am amazed i have made it through. I honestly believe I am exactly where I need to be. I have met some amazing friends here. Had I been anywhere else, without these people I do not know if I would have made it through the way I did. Still smiling today.


( This is where I belong )